*sigh*
Ok. Having gone to a private "non-denominational" (real defintion: Baptist) middle- and high school, I know the Bible and its principals better than, I think it's safe to say, most American teenagers.
I think I've also taken it for granted.
I realize this isn't the sort of thing that should be posted on a blog. It's very personal, very private.
I've never really been one for being closed-up about stuff. Which may be a problem. There are only like.... Hmm, two things, that I can think of, that I've never told another soul about me. Everything else has come out eventually.
I almost wish I could blame college, that's it's turned me away from the right path. But it isn't college's fault. I had given up (ok, "given up" isn't the right word. I think perhaps just "set aside" makes a little more sense)--yes, set aside--the whole Christianity thing way back in November. I can't even remember what the chapels of my senior year were about. I remember Spiritual Emphasis Week--liked it. I liked it when that woman in the wheelchair came. But the rest? Pfft. Also, (and I'm sorry, Mr. Valdey, it's nothing personal) I was tired of hearing from the same chaplain since I'd been in seventh grade. Not that college helped any... Back in October, I was starting to think I'd gone a little too crazy. Now I know I'd gone a little too crazy.
But there's no healthy fucking medium!!!!! You're either freaking Virgin Mary incarnate or you're some bad ass.
And I remember that I used to say, "God, I'm sorry that I have no desire to talk to you or to listen to you." But I wasn't sorry. I was having a fucking great time (um.... sans the fucking, lol).
*sigh* I sort of miss high school. You knew what to do in high school. You were either a Good Kid or a Bad Kid. Now everyone's talking shit (ok, maybe just one person) about me behind my back cuz I'm a Bad Kid? The real world isn't so black and white. You knew what to do in high school if you wanted to be a Good Kid--you worshipped in chapel, you prayed, you didn't say bad words, you didn't associate past the bare minimum with the Bad Kids. Hell, they even kept us separate, for the most part. I've basically had the same classmates ever since they split us into honors and regular in 8th grade. But in college? How can you balance it out? People like me more now--and that's the honest truth. I've had it said to my face.
Why can't I find a good place to be? Why's it gotta be one or the other?
Why does the f-word have to be so much friggin' fun to say?
So, for the first real time in a very, very long time: I'm sorry, God. I am.
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ReplyDelete"But there's no healthy fucking medium!!!!! You're either freaking Virgin Mary incarnate or you're some bad ass."
ReplyDeleteYeah that is what ultimately lead to my 'religious' perspective now (I use the term religious loosely cause most people would consider it a lack of religion or something along those lines. But it seems to work for moi.
A little background: I was raised Catholic (if you couldn't tell by the photos you saw & I think i told you anyway) and for most of my childhood didn't pay any mind to much else. I read bible passages aloud in masses and all that 'good stuff'. I was even in the church choir (Yes I was. In a blue gown in front of everyone singing don't laugh). Eventually I'd pick up on the fact that apparently everyone had a flaw no matter what they did and it didn't sit well. Even in Sunday school classes you'd have kids separated and it just didn't seem right since they'd always say everyone was a child of God and such. Then on top of that my parents decided to be Catholic when it was fitting aka when someone died or another such circumstance.
So this practice seen (apparently) in multiple religious outlets got me thinking and I decided against it. As for finding a good place to be, I figure you have to find your own place to be irregardless of your status in some social sect or what others think of you. I don't think it should have to be one or the other. I believe it should be whatever suits you.
Ok. So this turned into a mini-rant (and I had written it before but it got deleted which got me rather upset). To end this on a lighter note I'll tell you why the f-word is so much fun to say (as an English major you might get a laugh out of this)
'Cause its just so darn versatile!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvPbxZmZxZ8
Enjoy!
(and if you tell anyone about the choir thing, I'll slay you)
So my internet was being slow and it submitted the same comment twice so I deleted one to avoid flooding your blog. =D
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